My official Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen review !!SPOILERS!!

[jessealess]

Let me start out by saying something about the first Transformers movie (2007) just so you'll have an idea of where I'm coming from.  I actually really enjoyed the first movie.  I thought it was a fantastic re-imagining of the whole Transformers universe.  I even had no problem at all with the overhauled character designs.  I thought they made sense and was really impressed by the whole 'organic' look they were given.  Sure, I wouldn't deny that there were a few things lacking from the movie in general, but I felt these were minor.  I've actually lost count of how many times I've seen the movie after purchasing it on DVD.  It was, in my opinion, a very good introductory film that opened up the door for a lot of potential to be explored in future films.

So what do I think of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen?  The only word I can think of that can accurately capture my overall sentiments throughout the entire movie was: Disappointment.

You know how I admitted that there were some things lacking in the first movie.  Well, they're here in the second one.  More action.  More robots.  Soundwave.  Devastator (more on this later).  Unfortunately, this came at the expense of sacrificing all those things that actually made me like the original in the first place.

Let me explain further.  I like characters.  I love characters.  To me, there's no point in watching a movie in which you're not becoming invested in the characters. There's, I believe, a total of about 42 robots in the movie - Forty-fucking-two!  Guess what; we only know the names of about, what? Like less that 15 of them.  So who are the other 27?  Those of you who enjoyed the first movie, remember when Jazz gets killed by Megatron?  Remember how you actually cared about that?  Remember when Bonecrusher gets fucking owned by Prime?  Yeah he was a Decepticon, but you still cared, right?  You cared because Bonecrusher had that one scene where he actually was able to make an impression on you.  Well, here, in this movie, robots die as well; only difference is you don't really give a shit.  To make it even worse, the few we do know, we hardly get to spend any time with.

Optimus Prime is a bit more of a bad ass in this one.  That's good.  Unfortunately, after the best fight scene in the whole movie (which takes place only about half-ways through the movie), he spend pretty much the rest of the movie dead.  That's right, I said fucking dead.

Jetfire was actually pretty cool, except fot the part where you don't really see him in the movie.  He comes out and does some Obi-Wan explanatory fucking guru shit, then disappears, only to come out of fucking nowhere towards the end, only to offer up his parts to Prime before dying.  What the fuck?

One of my favorite characters from the first movie was Ironhide.  I was really hoping to see some more action with Ironhide.  Disappointment.  He's barely in the fucking movie.

Sideswipe, I've got to admit, looks the fucking shit.  I mean, seriously, this guy is fucking cool personified.  Too bad you don't really give a fuck about him.

Arcee?  Who the fuck is Arcee?  And why is she split into three different robots?  Wait a minute, did you say 'she'?  What the fuck?  She gets one line in the movie, and apparently dies - or only a third of her dies - I don't fucking know what happens to her to be honest.      

Remember how vicious Megatron was in the first movie?  He was the dude you don't fuck with.  Well he's a goddamn pussy in this one.  Calling The Fallen 'master' and all that shit.  Since when does Megatron have a master?  It's fucking Megatron!  Also, you know how he sounded like a goddamn demon in the first movie?  It was fucking awesome, right?  Well, here he sounds like a really bad (and weak) impersonation of Hugo Weaving.  

And then there's Devastator.  Disappointment.  There's a few issues here and I honestly don't know where to start.  Honestly, if you were to completely remove Devastator from the movie, it'd make no difference, which in and of itself makes it even fucking worse - because it's the goddamn Devastator!  Although the scene where the constructicons come together is pretty fucking awsome, except for the part where they don't fucking follow through.  That's right, you didn't read that wrong.  No, instead, you see about half of Devastator coming together, and then the scene fucking changes to somewhere else.  When you see Devastator again, he's fully formed.  The best analogy I can possibly think of would be: Have you ever been in the middle of sex, when you're about to... you know, but then you're forced to stop for whatever reason, left wondering what the fuck just happened?  Yeah, it was like that.  

Oh, and apparently there's more than one set of constucticons.  That's right, while Devastator is... well, he doesn't really do much, But while he's doing it, the scene changes to another location and you see... hold on, wait for it... constructicons.  What the fuck?  But alright, let's just go with it for the sake of trying anything to salvage this piece of shit movie.  So we have at least two sets of constructicons.  But only one Devastator?  really?  What the fuck?

Not like it would make any fucking difference.  You know how I said that Devastator doesn't really do much?  I may have been a little unfair.  Wait.  No, actually no, I wasn't.  He doesn't do shit.  He doesn't even kill a single Autobot - not one!  And what's worse, he gets a good sized portion of his face all blasted up by some fucking runt of an autobot; Skid, or Mudflip, or Skip... whatever the fuck he's name is.  The fucking little shit is about as tall as I am.  Can you picture that?  Me vs. THE Devastator?  No, right?  That's what I thought.  Well, at least he manages to destroy a good sized portion of one of the pyramids before meeting his demise by... On second thought, you don't want to know.

By the way, did I mention that Devastator has two giant wrecking balls for... well. balls?  That's right kids; while you all are fantasizing about giant fucking robots that transform into really cool kick-ass vehicles, Michael Bay is thinking about what their balls look like.

So instead of a movie where you can spend some time with the characters, to either become endeared with them or to become afraid of them, Instead of a movie where you can actually care what happens to characters, the movie opts for over-the-top action with an even skimpier story than the first, (did I say skimpy?) plenty of Megan Fox and Isabel Lucas eye candy (I'm not really complaining here), and the occasional humping.  Yup, there's dog humping, people humping (or some weird form thereof), and even some robot humping in there for those of you into that sort of thing (you know who you are), and balls.  

For those of you who liked the first movie, whatever it was about the first movie that made you actually like it, well you can just throw all that shit out the window because it's not here.  For those of you who did not like the first movie... Oh, HA.. HA...  You poor bastards!  I feel so bad for you that it's actually lightening my mood.

On an end note, I'd like to say that I do think there was at least one good thing about this move: Soundwave.  Soundwave was fucking bad ass.  He didn't really do much in the movie but then again, he doesn't really need to - he's fucking Soundwave.  Mother fucker is orbiting in space and hacks into the military satellite networks.  He coordinates Decepticon activity, not to mention that he has the ability to become fucking SkyNet whenever the fuck he wants.  Fuck you John Connor.  Fuck. You.

[Gypsy]

God! I can´t post here because I do not see this movie.

I looked at the trailer... and I sad:  "Where is Megatron?"  I mean.. I do not care about the re-design of the other characters too much, I care only about Prime an Megatron

Maybe I will look at this movie in the next year   sight

[mozzribo]

Fuck, I had the feeling it will suck, they actually got lucky with the first one, I guess.
I totally love the scene when Megatron says I AM MEGATRON!!! Like a fucking demon, that's right.
This review is great!

Let me start out by saying something about the first Transformers movie (2007) just so you'll have an idea of where I'm coming from.  I actually really enjoyed the first movie.  I thought it was a fantastic re-imagining of the whole Transformers universe.  I even had no problem at all with the overhauled character designs.  I thought they made sense and was really impressed by the whole 'organic' look they were given.  Sure, I wouldn't deny that there were a few things lacking from the movie in general, but I felt these were minor.  I've actually lost count of how many times I've seen the movie after purchasing it on DVD.  It was, in my opinion, a very good introductory film that opened up the door for a lot of potential to be explored in future films.

Yeah.

[AngelOfDeath83]

Eh, me and Neil liked it. We went and seen it today. We love the first one more, but the second one still had action, and most of the original characters from the first one. I was pretty happy with this movie.

[Deadlight]

So they pussified Megatron? Fuck that. Megatron was the be all and end all of Transformers. How about Starscream? I always favored him.

Galvatron? Dinobot? Not the idiot Dinobot from the original series but the more complex, intelligent, and fully developed character he was from the Beast Wars series. He was the only reason to watch that incarnation of Transformers?

Arcee sounds familiar. I know there was a couple of female Transformers over the years. Which makes no sense since you'd expect robots to be genderless and have no need for females or males.

[mozzribo]

But they had in the series. And the movie. I'm talking about the first and original animated stuff. They even had aged robots. (Also I heard they have one in this movie; and I think Starscream's appearance is so vague, that it's just not worth mentioning in reviews and such.)

[V]

I really loved this movie. And I hated the first one. But it was like they listened to what I said and fixed most of the problems that I had with the first one. All the symbols Decepticon and Autobot are on the robots. Soundwave was in the movie. Megatron turned into a tank and had a cannon arm. I mean I know that they are not going to make the robots verbatim like the cartoon and I got over that. And Megan Fox made me go home and have some sexy time with myself. All and all it was worth my 7 dollars.

[jessealess]

So they pussified Megatron? Fuck that. Megatron was the be all and end all of Transformers. How about Starscream? I always favored him.

Galvatron? Dinobot? Not the idiot Dinobot from the original series but the more complex, intelligent, and fully developed character he was from the Beast Wars series. He was the only reason to watch that incarnation of Transformers?

Arcee sounds familiar. I know there was a couple of female Transformers over the years. Which makes no sense since you'd expect robots to be genderless and have no need for females or males.

Megatron certainly wasn't the same as in the first movie.  He wasn't all that bad and still had a few good scenes, like this one scene where he is beating the shit out of Starscream - that was a pretty cool scene.  But he just didn't have the ferocity that they gave him in the first film.

Speaking of Starscream, you know, I don't think it's even possible to make Starscream look bad.  He does have a few cool scenes in the movie.  Then again, how can anyone make an F-22 look bad?

No Galvatron; no Dinobots.  If they do bring in Grimlock (supposedly part 3 has gotten the greenlight), then I agree with you in that it shouldn't be the same dumb one from the series.  I don't know about anyone else, but I can just picture Grimlock as a bad-ass tank.

The biggest problem for me, as I've mentioned, is the lack of character time.  Sometimes it's ok to sacrifice action.  Sometimes it's ok to not make the whole movie go so fast that you can barely keep track of the plot - and this is Transformers we're talking about: It's not like the plot is all that great to begin with. 

Also, does it say something about the film, or about me, that I found Isabel Lucas' 'Pretender' character to be hotter than Megan Fox?  Mmmmm... cyborg sex.

[jessealess]

I really loved this movie. And I hated the first one. But it was like they listened to what I said and fixed most of the problems that I had with the first one. All the symbols Decepticon and Autobot are on the robots. Soundwave was in the movie. Megatron turned into a tank and had a cannon arm. I mean I know that they are not going to make the robots verbatim like the cartoon and I got over that. And Megan Fox made me go home and have some sexy time with myself. All and all it was worth my 7 dollars.

The movie looked great, I'll give it that.  The effects were off the scale.  The action was off the scale as well, but it wasn't well balanced.  I would've enjoyed a bit more set up for the action rather than just "Here you go - Action". 

[mozzribo]

Mmmmm cyborg sex...

[jessealess]

John Turturro's ass cheeks!

[mozzribo]

[jessealess]

You'll know what I'm talking about when you see it.

[mozzribo]

I googled it, but there's no photographical evidence whether he even has an ass... Or at least I couldn't find any...

[jessealess]

heh... it's there... as big as the screen... for all to see...