How to make a substandard, formulaic horror film

[Morgoth]

First what you're going to need is a producer. Get Wes Craven, he goes for all of that kind of stuff these days, plus having him on the project will give some credibility to the film. Next you'll need a writer. Nobody really cares about writers, so it doesn't matter who you get. Once again, it's important that the writer has participated in making a horror film before. "From the writers who brought you "The 'Amityville Horror' and 'The Ring'" sounds alot better then "From the writers who brought you 'Atonement' and 'Good Luck Chuck'".

Finally you'll need a director. Get anyone, it doesn't really matter.


Now that you've got the production team, you're going to need a story to produce. For this you'll need to rent some foreign horror movies. Be sure to take down parts that you thought were kewl for later use. It doesn't really matter how much a story makes sense, just how marketable it is. For instance, a film that centers on a dysfunctional family trapped in a haunted house is much more marketable then a film about an evil doppelganger committing mayhem.
Whatever your plot is, make sure that it's as complicated and nonsensical as possible.
An optional thing you can do to get more viewers is to adapt an urban legend or criminal incident, exaggerating details along the way. that way you can tag the film as "a true story" and get a wider audience.



So that takes care of production and story. Next you're going to need actors. The film should center around either a dysfunctional family or a single parent. But be sure to have kids somewhere in the film because everyone loves kids. Jessica Alba, Melissa George, and Sarah Michelle Gellar are perfect choices for the female lead. As for the male, you'll need to hire a television actor who hasn't done anything decent in a while. Bonus points if he looks like a douche.
There are two types of children in a horror film, either a really creepy one who never smiles, or one that is happy and content before the start of the film, but glum during the entire film. Bonus points if the child(ren) is/are the only ones who detect any paranormal phenomena going on as the film progresses.


Now for the most important part: The title. The title is the most simple, yet the most difficult part of the film to do effectively. It should be no more then two words in length, the first word being "The-"

Now you're going to need to find a second word. Go to your bookshelf, pull out the dictionary and close your eyes. Open the dictionary to a random part, and put your finger on the page. The word that you've picked is the word that completes the title. Examples are : "The Frostbitten", "The Grim", or "The Forbidden".


And that's it! Follow those simple steps to create your horror film. Good luck producing your tween marketable horror film.

[dragonbayne]

Come on Morgoth make it Asian. They have gorgeous actresses that make for good screams. Shu Qi and Angelica Lee for starters.

[Morgoth]

but most asian horror movies are good

the american public doesn't like good horror movies 

[dragonbayne]

Yes they make good horror movies. Have you checked out my asian horror movies in the movie section? I have links to all of them.

[V]

Applauded fine sir. For pointing out the fact that Hollywood doesn't even try to make a good Horror movie anymore.

[dragonbayne]

You know morgoth, spanish horror films are creepy as well. The acting in them is awesome.

[Human Extinction Agenda]

Get Rob Zombie to direct and you get the same amount of shit.

And I had to smite you because you pointed out really obvious shit to me that's been said many times over by the same people who are horror fans over and over again.

It's simple just don't see the shit if you don't like it, hence what I'm doing with H2 and any other remake from now on.

[Morgoth]

Cool story bro. Especially because I only post on SS about thrice every two weeks and wouldn't know if anyone posted anything similar.


@dragon, saw [REC] last week. It was amazing.

[LadyChaos]

  I liked that game plan you posted Morgoth. Tween horror movies ftw!

[Human Extinction Agenda]

Cool story bro. Especially because I only post on SS about thrice every two weeks and wouldn't know if anyone posted anything similar.


@dragon, saw [REC] last week. It was amazing.

I'm not talking just about here, if you've been a horror fan for any period of time you would know that what you pointed out is how most horror fans have felt for years unless you consider the 13 year old kids who love the shit they are getting shoveled.

[dragonbayne]

Cool story bro. Especially because I only post on SS about thrice every two weeks and wouldn't know if anyone posted anything similar.


@dragon, saw [REC] last week. It was amazing.

Rec was so awesome. Definitely better than Quarrantine. I hate all these stupid remakes. Here is a link to another spanish horror called The Orphanage  Morgoth. Please enjoy you will love it.  I won't say it is scary, but it is well put together and creepy ghost. LOL

http://www.watch-movies-links.net/movies/the_orphanage/